Monday, April 12, 2004

renew a right spirit...

Once again I have come to the stark realization that I have such little faith in God. There is a lot on my plate these last few weeks in April. I would list them only I am sure those of you reading this have plenty of your own work over which you are stressing. Last night in my time of prayer I had to ask God for forgiveness. For the last week or so I have been freaking out about how much work needs to get done before I graduate. And instead of actually working on it, I have just been lazily pissing and moaning about it.

As I look at the mountain of tasks which seem insurmountable, I am reminded that even just a mustard seed of faith can move mountains. Then I realize that I even lack that much faith. The truth is not that I have "too much" work to do. The truth is not that I have "so many" bills to pay and loans to pay off. The truth is that God has provided for me time and time and time again. Yet every time I get out into what even appears to me a little sand, I think its a desert. My foot sinks into the sandbox and I think I am in the Sinai peninsula. I daily receive more than enough bread and quail and yet all I want is my Egypt back. I want the constant security of the Nile. I want to farm my own land rather than wait on God's provision from the skies.

Then God gives me the grace to see each assignment, one at a time. Each day, one at a time. This truly is a grace because my worrisome heart wants to process everything all at once. I like to get ahead of myself. I like to worry about tomorrow, forgetting that today has enough trouble of its own. This grace reminds me of the lilies and the sparrows. It reminds me that this last month isn't Nascar but a Sunday drive. "Enjoy the view," God tells me, "because it is all over soon." "Yes, even enjoy the papers and the projects. Many people around the world are giving their lives to learn about the things you complain about." Grace. This grace turns my book reviews into blessings, my papers into prayers and my sermons into sanctuary.

Father, forgive me for my attitude toward my school work this past week. I thank you for all the opportunities for learning. I thank you for life circumstances which allow me to exercise faith. My faith needs working out. It has become weak, fat and lazy. Strengthen my faith, Lord, that I might be able to see you work in ways that are beyond my doing.


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