Tuesday, May 25, 2004

update...part 2

That last update post was a general overview but not really as much about me personally. Someone asked me tonight, "How are you?" I said the usual, "I am good." And I was. Or at least I thought I was. On my drive home from a Link Group (about a 20 minute drive) I got to thinking about this question a bit more and do some inventory.

How am I doing? Hmmm.... I am trying hard to build some much needed relationships here, but its only been a few days so I need to be patient. I realized, driving home tonight, that I am starting over. Similar to your first day at kindergarten, or first year of college, or first semester of seminary. I am beginning...again. I am trying to discard the previous mentality that I had. It is a struggle.

The previous mindset included a few things. 1. I am used to my daily schedule. 2. I have enough friends. Anyone else I meet will simply be an acquaintance or a secondary friend. 3. I understand why I am here 4. People know me 5. I am confortable with who I am. This was the old mindset. I have carried this mindset with me for the past few days here but it is quickly breaking down. Why? Because they are not true anymore.

Lets examine them more closely: 1. I am not used to my daily schedule. It is very fluid right now and very transitional. It will change week to week, day to day. I don't have a work out schedule or classes to anchor it. But I will soon have to establish some sort of pattern so that I don't go crazy.

2. I don't have great friends here yet. It is true that I do have friends. I consider Dave, Clay, my sister, Christina and a few others friends. And there are others who are on their way to being friends. With time that will happen. But right now my relationship tank is low yet I am used to it being full. I have to keep reminding myself that it is indeed low and that I need to let others in.

3. I don't really know what it is to be a pastor....let alone a pastor at Horizon. I am low man on the totem pole right now. I am not used to that either. I am used to being a student. I used to be a well respected student. But now I am supposed to be a pastor yet not exactly. I am not a pastor yet. Even if they were to call me a pastor in June, I still wouldn't be one. A pastor is someone who pastors. I don't. Not yet, anyway. I have to earn that relationship. That too will take time.

4. People don't know me here. And this will hopefully change with time. But I am basically a weirdo when it comes to people knowing me and understanding me. So it is weird being around people all day long who don't know me. Definitley not used to that.

5. I am not comfortable with who I am. I was comfortable with who I was in seminary. Especially the last year of seminary. I had found my place and found my people. But now, I feel like I am off balance for some reason. I don't see myself as a person who is good at loving people. Essentially that is what Horizon is asking me to do. I just keep waiting for them to figure out that they got the wrong man for the job. Right now, it seems like some of them already know this. Mabye I am just being insecure about all of this. But I must be honest and that is how I feel. I wish I could pretend as though I am confident in doing what I have been called to do. I am not.

I basically suck at loving people. I am not very friendly. I am not very kind. Patience is not a virtue of mine. I find myself saying things that other people don't understand. I am finding my language a little out of touch with most of the Horizonites. I am having a hard time just having fun right now. I usually have to go deep before I can go shallow. What I mean is that, typically, it takes me knowing your deepest darkest secrets and you knowing mine before I can laugh at your jokes. I am kind of backwards that way. When I know there is substance then I can be light hearted. Until then, I struggle. I feel like everyone else at Horizon knows what is going on and they are all doing it at light speed. And I am a little turtle trying not to get run over.

So how am I doing? Well, THINGS are good. And they really are. Things in my life are great. But me personally, the jury is still out on that one. I feel like I just woke up from a peaceful dream only to find myself in the middle of someone else's house, which happens to be on fire. All around me are firemen who know what to do and where to go. I am crawling out of bed slowly and trying to orient myself. I am not sure which way is out and which way is in. The smoke is irritating and the flames are loud. I feel as though I should get busy doing something. Stop, drop and role maybe. ANYTHING really. But all I can muster is to stand in the middle of this strange burning house and watch it fall down around me. I do admire these firemen. I just don't think in this state of mind I am ready to be one. I am still in my PJ's and the sleepy crust is still wedged in the corners of my eyes.


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