frustrations

I drove home tonight from Link Group terribly frustrated. As I turned my radio off and began to pray, I asked God to show me where my frustration was stemming from. I am really not sure where it is coming from. But I know I am frustrated and that something just isn't right.

After Link Group tonight I voiced my frustration with the prayer time we had earlier that evening. It was the wrong thing to say and the wrong time to say it. I should have kept my big mouth shut and talked things over with Dave Reichley and Jenn later about the way Link Group went. I should have done it in private and in a more calm way than I did it. But it just came blurting out of my mouth. I think that my frustration with the prayer time was just a small piece of my overall frustration.

As I talked to Dave about it later that night, he listened as I tried to think out loud about where this frustration is coming from. I think part of it is not being known. People at Horizon really don't know me. They don't know my gifts and they don't know my personality. So it is tough to come in and immediately be "on staff" while people are still in the process of getting to know me. And I am definitely still trying to get to know people here at Horizon. There isn't anyone here I know really well. But some I do know a little.

I guess I just haven't been myself since I have gotten back from seminary. I haven't gotten to use my gifts for ministry. I haven't gotten to really find my place and just be me. I think that is because so much of me was reflected in my good friends back in Texas. With them not around, it is hard to truly show people who I am and have them understand.

Other frustrations are my desires to see stuff change at Horizon. I haven't been here long enough to really have a voice in things. I have been allowed to work on our Horizon brochure and the Creative team. I have helped to create the look and feel of various Sunday mornings and I have helped to articulate what the vision is at Horizon. All of this behind the scenes stuff is great, but no one but the leaders I work with know that I am involved in it. As far as most of the church is concerned, they barely know I am even here.

I want to step up and lead A.S.A.P. But my leadership style tends to be dominant. What I mean is that I want to lead, but at the same time I don't want to step on toes. I want to voice my ideas. But right now my ideas aren't worth as much weight as other people's ideas. So sometimes I just bite my tongue and let others get their say in.

I guess some of my frustration is that I am going through a period where I am "earning my stripes" so to say. And that can be annoying. I feel like I have been "earning my stripes" for the last 7 years in school only to find myself starting over again here at Horizon. I guess it might be a respect thing. My friends back in seminary knew me better. They new the books I have read, the sermons I have preached, the endless conversations we have had, the fun times we have shared and the solid trust that we built. They knew all of these things, and because of them they had a good bit of respect for who I am.
Starting over at Horizon means having to "earn" that respect all over again. It means that the respect I have enjoyed for the last three years has vanished and, in the eyes of Horizon, I start at ground zero. Not a fun place to be.

So while I am guessing that these things are the source of my frustration, I am still not really sure. I don't have a good handle on it right now. I am praying that God will help me narrow it down a bit. I do know that I haven't felt fully myself just yet. Horizon hasn't seen me be me 100%. I haven't given all I have to give. But hopefully, that will change in time.