convicted

Father I come to you tonight to confess. In the past few weeks I have had so many people joke around with me about girls. They joke that the freshman girls all have crushes on me. They joke that the Collins CLs think I am hot. They jest in good fun and I laugh. My heart is heavy tonight Lord. My heart aches. Your conviction is almost too much for me to bare. What have I won for getting a few freshman to like the way I look. I have won only conviction from You. My heart is heavy. Forgive me. I have turned them to look my way. I have turned them to gaze at my idol. But to You, oh Lord, to You have they turned? Have I led them to Your presence? Have I led them to Your gaze? Do they giggle and whisper about You, oh Lord, or me? You have called me out. You have set me apart for ministry. And the best I can do is to get freshman girls to find me cute? The best I can do is to get some to look at my blog? Is that what my life is about? Father, forgive me. You know how ugly I am. You know my sin. You know my corruption and my selfishness. You have seen my whitewashed tomb. Before You I am so little. So little. So little. Forgive me, Father....I know what I do. And I do it anyway. My heart aches Father. You have set me apart to lead people to You. And instead I have led them to me. I cannot heal them. I cannot shower them with grace and love. I cannot see them like You see them. I cannot help them. I cannot transform them. You can. You can. You can. You can. You will. If only I would step down, step back, and hide behind You. If only my arrogance would subside. If only I could deny myself and follow You. Father, I don't know how You work. But I know that You can use even me. Father, may they not see just me. May they see You in me. May they see Your grace, Your gentleness, Your power, Your love, Your kindness. I am so full of myself, Father. I am tired of me. I need more of You. Ease my burdened heart, this night, and return me to You. Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. Make me new again. Amen.