Sunday, March 07, 2004

slipping through the fingers

Tonight I hung out with a bunch of old Crosspoint friends. We had all worked together at camp in one way or another and were all either Directors or Assistant Directors of a team. We all sat around a living room and just talked. That's it. Talked. No movie, no entertainment, no game....just each other's company. It was such a good time. I haven't laughed that much in a long time. We traded old war stories about camp, picked on each other and laughed with each other. It was rest and restoration all at once.

During my first year directing, my cheerleading coach was a girl named Jill. She is an extremely cute girl. My second year directing camp she became my assistant director. We worked very closely all summer and developed a mutual attraction for each other. The problem was that she had a boyfriend that summer. She and her boy friend, Tom, met the previous summer on my team. I was their director and saw their relationship develop that summer. He was my videographer the summer that Jill was my cheerleading coach. But this summer, their relationship was on the rocks. They struggled all summer. It seemed that the more they struggled, the closer Jill and I got. Or maybe it was vice versa. I don't know?

Bottom line is that at the end of the summer we sort of admitted to each other our mutual admiration and attraction to each other. We confessed it in order to put it aside. I didn't want to hurt my friend and Jill didn't want to hurt her boyfriend. Tom is a great guy and I cared about him too. So we ended the summer appropriately. We didn't act on our desires. We didn't spend inappropriate time together. On the surface we were professionals, inside we were fighting like crazy against the temptations that came daily.

So I just saw Jill again tonight. She had driven in from Hattiesburg, Mississippi to visit Southwestern Seminary in Fort Worth. She is going there in the fall and will be getting her masters in marriage and family counseling. The struggle is an obvious one. The attraction is still there. Its not just physical either. She is an amazing girl with a deep spiritual maturity. She loves kids and is passionate about serving God. Her personality is awesome and she is so fun to be around.

So what does one do with this? Our life paths have crossed once again, but once again we are moving in different directions. She is headed to seminary I am graduating from it. She is headed to Texas I am leaving it. To pursue her doesn't make sense. And yet she has much of what I am looking for in a wife. What do I do with this? Yet again I feel as though I have to let this opportunity pass through my hands. I don't think it would be possible to sustain that kind of relationship long distance. I don't think I am capable of doing that. I am not even sure she is still interested in me anyway.

It is as if I am out fishing and out of nowhere I catch a huge fish. And in all likelihood the fish wants to be caught. But the sign says "Catch and Release." And so the I must be gentle and place the fish back in the water. I care about the fish and so I let it go. I do this knowing full well that the fish will be caught someday by another, and when they catch it, they won't put it back in the water. And the fish won't want to go back either.

It is kind of a depressing place to be. But I am reminded that I do not operate out of desperation or out of neediness. I operate out of obedience and submission. And because of this, I let go of my own desires, and try my best to submit to desires that are greater than me. I wish I could say that obedience to Christ brings some wonderful satisfaction or some heavenly peace. It doesn't. At least not initially. It sucks. It sucks because the cross came before the resurrection. Death comes before life. Less of me must precede more of Him. So I submit not because it "feels right" but because I trust. I trust, somewhat blindly and naively, that God has a plan for me and that He will reveal that plan in His time.

Father, your ways are better than my ways, ...your thoughts higher than my thoughts,....your plans wiser than my plans. I trust you, help my distrust. I believe, help my unbelief.


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