Saturday, February 07, 2004

my response

Ok, ok, so my response to the last post and the comments which it generated. Let me first say that I appreciate all the posts (yes, even the semi-condemning and judgmental ones) but please put your name with your response. I promise I won't bite. I would just like to see who is responding to my posts.

Let me also say that the last post was a joke. It was born out of a fun-loving conversation between me and Lisa Murphy. It was not ever meant to be taken seriously. No bulletin board was ever going to be made. It was just a joke. To those who took this post so seriously as to get offended by it, I am sorry.

Let me also assure my faithful readers that I am a heterosexual male who is single. As much of a surprise as it might be to everyone, I do find some girls attractive. I do find other girls cute. My blog should reflect this if I am being honest with myself. And in my blog, I try to be as transparent as I can be.

On that note, let me also share what I believe this blog to be. It is not a news article. It is simply my thoughts, my emotions and my questions. If you don't think I should have these thoughts, or these emotions, or these questions, that is ok. Just please try not to judge me. I am trying to be transparent. And when you do this, you reveal your best as well as your worst sides. I am not trying to be a monk. I am not trying to portray in my blog someone that I am not.

I think the tendency with we mere humans when we blog is to hide ourselves behind who we want others to think we are. We worry about what people will say and if they will still like us at the end of the day. This blog is a place for me to cast off those worries. It has been a safe place for me to expose my inner self. Regardless of what people will think.

My intention is not to offend. But if by being my true self, I end up offending people, then I have to live with that reality. People are welcome to come to this blog and crawl into my brain. It is the living room of my mind. You are free to enter into my mental living room. But when you get there, and the floor isn't picked up and the couch has some stains on it and the wall paper is falling off the walls, try not to judge. You are free to leave my living room at anytime. The door is not locked.

In being transparent, I take a risk. I risk people not liking what they see inside of me. And that is ok, I don't like everything in there either. We can agree on that. I risk that after two weeks of posting deep thoughts and wining peoples respect, I could post one goofy post and lose all of my admiring fans. And that is probably what should happen.

My true self must come out. If I can't expose my insides into the light of day here, where can it be done? I feel compelled even more now than ever to be real, to be honest, to be transparent. If by that last post I lost your respect, then praise the Lord. You probably thought too highly of me.

I don't deserve to be on anyone's pedestal. The great thing about people's responses to that last post is that my closest friends were the least shocked. They know what I am like. My sarcasm, my sin, my truth, my honesty, my confession.....none of it surprises them. Why? Because they know who I am.

Tonight, I had planned on continuing the top ten list. I have 6 new girls written down. They range from cute to Hot once again. But, my friend and boss Lisa Murphy asked me not to. So out of respect for her, I won't. And because I don't want to get fired.

I guess what is the most sad thing for me is that after all the deep thoughts. After all the heart wrenching posts, and after all the soul searching that I have done on here, the one post that got the most comments is the one that means the least to me. It was just a joke. It was just for fun. It was light-hearted tomfoolery.

Even this post that I am writing is weird to me because it is to an audience. My blog is not to an audience. It is to me. That's it. I am not writing a news paper column. Its a blog. An online journal. Imagine people walking up to you, after a morning of coffee and writing in your journal, and having them say. "Um, could you not write that in your journal anymore. People might get the wrong idea. And it might make people feel self-conscious. In fact, I am kinda disappointed in you for even writing what you wrote in your journal." How does one apologize for one's own journal entries?

Future readers of this blog please be advised, I will continue to try to be honest and transparent. Being that I am a 24 year old, single, heterosexual male, that means that future blogs will include stuff about girls. That is just reality. Anything other would be false. And this may be a shock to some, but some of my thoughts about females are good and some are less than good. But I refuse to put a filter on this blog which makes me out to be some holy, pious preacher-boy. That ain't me. But if you are willing to put up with the stains and messiness of my mental living room, I welcome you.


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